


Arthur's Infidelity

by auspicious_dragon



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anal Sex, Angst, China, Gay Male Character, Gay Sex, Infidelity, M/M, Merthur - Freeform, Oral Sex, Psychologists & Psychiatrists
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-12
Updated: 2021-02-12
Packaged: 2021-03-18 08:07:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29365218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/auspicious_dragon/pseuds/auspicious_dragon
Summary: Merlin and Arthur have been partners for almost four years when Arthur cheats on Merlin.  Can their relationship survive Arthur's infidelity?
Relationships: Arthur Pendragon/Sophia (Merlin), Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 38





	1. Infidelity and Aftermath

Arthur didn’t blame Merlin for leaving. He knew he screwed up royally. He should never have cheated on Merlin and had sex with Sophia. What had possessed him? Arthur and Merlin had been friends since high school, and lovers for almost four years. Now Arthur had lost the man he loved more than anyone, and the single most important relationship in his life was gone forever. How could he have been such an idiot?

Of course Merlin would find out. Merlin’s intuition was amazingly keen, and he could read Arthur like an open book. A few days after Arthur had cheated, Merlin gave him a piercing look and said, “You fucked someone, didn’t you?” When Arthur didn’t respond and hung his head, Merlin said, “Who?” Arthur looked down at his feet and muttered, “Sophia.”

Merlin didn’t say anything to Arthur after that. He just started packing. Arthur was frantic and tried to talk him out of leaving. “Please, Merlin, don’t go, I’m begging you. Don't abandon me. Let’s talk about this.” But Merlin ignored him, and just kept packing up his things. He filled two large suitcases and a backpack, loaded up his car, and drove off. He didn’t say one word to Arthur before leaving. Merlin headed to North Bergen, New Jersey, where his best friend Will lived. Will would let him stay in the guest room of his condo until Merlin figured out what to do. Will would also provide a shoulder to cry on.

Merlin didn’t take all of his belongings from the Tribeca apartment he and Arthur shared. He didn’t know if he would ever come back. All he knew was he had to get away from Arthur immediately and he was too upset to talk. Merlin left a lot of his clothes in the closet and the chest of drawers, as well as his books and other personal effects.

Arthur feared that Merlin would never return and their relationship was over. It hurt to see constant reminders of Merlin all around the apartment, but the fact that he left so much stuff suggested that he would have to come back sometime, if only to retrieve his things.

Arthur contacted all their friends to see if anyone knew where Merlin was. Their friends either couldn’t or wouldn’t tell him. He called Merlin’s mother, Hunith, and his Uncle Gaius, but neither of them would tell Arthur where Merlin was. Arthur also called Merlin’s phone and left countless voicemail messages, but never received a response.

Arthur sunk into a deep depression. He felt completely lost without Merlin. He was consumed with feelings of guilt and regret. How could he betray the man he loved? Arthur stopped going to work. Because he never called in sick, a few weeks later he received a message stating that his employment had been terminated. He lay in bed all day, wallowing in self-pity. He stopped bathing and grooming himself. He numbed his pain with alcohol. He started smoking again. He only left the apartment to buy junk food, cigarettes, and vodka. Arthur was deteriorating fast.

*****

Meanwhile, Merlin was deeply wounded. Never before had he felt such emotional pain. His love for Arthur was boundless, infinite. He would do anything for Arthur. And Arthur had hurt him more than anyone ever had before. Merlin was devastated and didn’t know where to turn. The love of his life had cheated on him, and he had lost his relationship and his home. He had some money saved. He figured that going somewhere completely foreign and unfamiliar would be good for his emotional health, and so he decided to leave New York and travel to a foreign country. He obtained a Chinese visa and bought a plane ticket to Beijing.

Before leaving for China, Merlin quit his job, bought a China travel guide, and planned his itinerary. He also blocked Arthur on his phone and email account. On a beautiful sunny day in late September Merlin drove his BMW from Will's condo to Hunith’s house in Westchester, where the vehicle would remain while he was out of town. He visited with Hunith for a few hours. Merlin told Hunith about Arthur’s infidelity and cried while she hugged him and did her best to comfort him. Later she drove him to the train station, and he took the Metro-North train back to Manhattan, where he checked into the W New York Hotel for the night.

The next morning, he hopped a flight from JFK to LAX. He had a three-hour layover at LAX before boarding the thirteen-hour flight from LAX to Beijing Capital International Airport.

Merlin had studied Chinese history and culture in college and had always wanted to see China. After he arrived in Beijing and checked into the Novotel Hotel, he arranged to see all the sights—the Great Wall, the Forbidden City, the Summer Palace, the Temple of Heaven. He spent two weeks exploring the wonders of the Chinese capital. From Beijing he flew to Xian, where he rode a bicycle on the ancient city wall, saw the amazing terracotta warriors, and visited the Great Mosque.

While sightseeing, Merlin tended not to think about Arthur. However, when he returned to his hotel room in the evenings, there wasn’t much to distract him, and his thoughts would turn to the man he had loved and lost. Merlin would weep, overwhelmed with grief. Throughout his visit to China, he often cried himself to sleep. When he awoke the next morning, however, he would firmly resolve to make the most of the day and immerse himself in Chinese history and culture. Merlin was astonished by how much there was to see and do in China.

Merlin was about to fly from Xian to Chengdu when he received an email from Arthur’s sister, Morgana, which stopped him dead in his tracks. Morgana wrote that Arthur was hospitalized in an intensive care unit due to an accidental overdose. “I don’t know what happened between you and Arthur,” Morgana wrote, “but I thought you’d want to know.”

Merlin was beside himself. Yes, he was mad as hell at Arthur, but the man just couldn’t die. “Please don’t die,” Merlin prayed, “please be OK. I don’t care anymore who you fuck; fuck whoever you want, just don’t die.” Merlin cut his trip short and booked flights that would get him home as soon as possible.

The flights seemed interminable. It took more than 24 hours for Merlin to reach the hospital where Arthur had been admitted. After his last flight arrived at JFK and he had collected his checked bags, he texted Morgana, rented a car, threw his luggage in the trunk, and rushed to the hospital. Morgana was waiting for him in the lobby. The first thing out of Merlin’s mouth was “What happened and how is he?”

“He’s out of intensive care,” Morgana replied. “They’re keeping him under observation for another day or so.”

Merlin breathed a sigh of relief. Arthur was alive. “What happened?” he repeated.

“I don’t know exactly what happened. Arthur’s been a wreck since you left. Always in an alcoholic stupor. It was lucky that I went to check on him when I did. I don’t think he tried to kill himself, but the doctor told me that he ingested a potentially lethal combination of opioid medication and alcohol. I apparently got there in the nick of time. If I had arrived any later, he might have died or suffered brain damage.”

“Oh my God,” Merlin gasped. “Have you talked to him?”

“Yes, but he’s not saying much. Maybe he’ll say more to you.”

Remembering his manners, Merlin said, “Thank you for emailing me, Morgana. I was in China and got here as fast as I could.”

Morgana eyes widened in surprise. “You just got back from China!?”

“Yes. Please, I want to see him.”

Morgana nodded and led the way to Arthur’s room. When they got there, Morgana said, “I’ll give you two time alone. I’ll be right outside if you need me.”

Merlin went in and saw Arthur in the hospital bed, staring out the window. He felt nervous and unsure about what to say. Keep it simple, he told himself, just greet him. So he said only, “Hello, Arthur.”

Arthur looked at Merlin with a blank expression. “Why are you here?”

Merlin was exhausted from a combination of anxiety, jet lag, and insomnia, and suddenly he lost it and started to cry. He sank down into a chair and just sobbed. Arthur looked away and resumed staring out the window. When Merlin had gotten control of himself and stopped crying, he said, “You could have died, Arthur!”

“Maybe I should have. I can’t live with myself,” Arthur muttered. “Why are you here?” he repeated.

“Morgana emailed me. I got here as fast as I could. I care about you. You’re important to me.”

“You left me,” Arthur said without heat. “You stopped caring about me. I don’t blame you. I stopped caring about me too.”

“I left and that was a mistake, and I never stopped caring about you.”

“Leaving was not a mistake, and I don’t want you to care anymore.”

“Tough shit. That’s not up to you. I don’t give a shit anymore who you fuck. Fuck anyone you want. I will always love you, no matter what. I realized that as soon as I got Morgana’s email. I figured out what matters and what doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters to me is that you’re OK.”

“I’m not OK. I hurt you, and I can’t live with that,” Arthur murmured.

“Let’s make a deal,” Merlin said in response. “I’ll get over feeling hurt, but only if you promise to get sober, stop being self-destructive, and get over feeling guilty.”

Arthur was silent.

“I mean it, Arthur. I’m willing to work with you on our relationship, but only if you get sober first.”

Arthur looked at Merlin and nodded.

“I’ll take that to mean you agree to my terms. Say ‘yes’ or nod.”

Arthur nodded and said, “Yes.”

“Good. Morgana and I will make sure that your care team refers you to a chemical dependency program as part of your aftercare plan.”

*****

After Merlin left the hospital, he returned to the apartment he had left almost four weeks ago. When he opened the door, a foul odor—a combination of stale cigarette smoke and alcohol—overwhelmed him. Walking into the living room, Merlin couldn’t believe how trashed the place was—empty liquor bottles, dirty dishes, remnants of fast food, and cigarette butts littered everywhere. The filthy chaos indicated the depths to which Arthur had sunk in less than a month. Merlin was too exhausted from travelling and too emotionally drained to deal with the mess right then. He headed for the bedroom, undressed, and got into bed, where he fell asleep within minutes.

Merlin slept for 12 hours, waking up at 5 a.m. He was famished, so the first thing he did after getting dressed was to jog to the nearest convenience store and pick up some items for breakfast. He made himself a decent breakfast—scrambled eggs, toast, orange juice, and coffee—before showering. After his third cup of coffee, he decided to tackle the chaos. He worked for several hours, throwing the empty liquor bottles into grocery bags for recycling, collecting the dirty dishes and putting them in the dishwasher, and pitching cigarette butts and fast food containers into a large plastic garbage bag. He opened all the windows to air the place out, trying to get rid of the foul smell. Merlin also picked up Arthur’s clothes that were strewn all over the apartment and threw them into a laundry basket.

Around noon, Merlin took a lunch break, heading to a nearby deli where he bought a sandwich, a couple of salads, and a few other staples. After fortifying himself with some deli food, he resumed cleaning the apartment. He vacuumed the entire place, unpacked from his China trip, washed his and Arthur’s clothes and bedding, cleaned the kitchen and bathroom, dusted all the furniture, and ran the dishwasher. When he was done, the apartment was pretty close to how it looked the day he left. If only he could get rid of the smell of stale cigarette smoke and alcohol. Merlin figured he would go grocery shopping and pick up some air freshener on his way home from visiting Arthur. He put some of Arthur’s clothes in a bag and drove the rental car to the hospital.

It was late afternoon when Merlin entered Arthur’s room. Just like the day before, Arthur was staring out the window. Although Merlin didn’t feel particularly cheerful, he tried to act happy. He went over to Arthur and kissed him on the forehead. “Hello, sweetheart. I brought you some clothes from home. How are you doing today?”

Arthur mumbled in response. “I’m OK, I guess.”

The rest of their conversation was awkward and labored. Merlin thought that it was like pulling teeth to get Arthur to talk. However, by being persistent he was eventually able to ascertain that Arthur would be discharged the next day and would immediately enter an inpatient chemical dependency program. The care coordinator at the hospital had apparently taken care of all the arrangements with the CD program and with Arthur’s health insurance coverage.

Merlin said, “Since you’re keeping your end of the bargain, I’ll find a therapist and start working on my issues. And, if you’re willing, maybe we can do some couples therapy after you finish CD treatment. Would you be open to that?”

“I guess so.”

“We don’t have to decide today. It was just a thought, and I don’t want to pressure you into doing something you don’t want to do.”

“Why are you being nice to me? I don’t deserve it.”

“You’re my partner and my best friend, Arthur. Yes, I was mad at you. To be honest, I still feel some anger and hurt, but I love you. That hasn’t changed.”

Arthur was quiet for a long time. Eventually he said, “Where were you the past four weeks? Where did you go?”

“I went to China.”

“You were in China,” Arthur said in a flat tone.

“Yes.”

“When did you come back?” he asked in the same tone.

“Yesterday. I came here directly from JFK.”

“So, I screwed up your trip. The trip you have been dying to take for years.”

“No, you didn’t,” Merlin said emphatically. "You are much more important to me than any stupid trip. Besides, we can go to China together some time. I’d rather share the experience with you.”

Arthur didn’t respond. He started looking out the window again.

*****

The next day Arthur was discharged from the hospital and went directly to the inpatient CD treatment facility on Long Island. Merlin filled a suitcase with Arthur’s clothes and toiletries and brought it to the hospital. He and Morgana accompanied Arthur to the treatment center. When a staff member came to escort Arthur to his room, Merlin kissed Arthur on the cheek and promised to contact him often.

At first Arthur was reluctant to participate and engage in treatment. The assessment and detox processes went well enough, but Arthur found it difficult to disclose information about himself and his situation in individual and group counseling sessions. As time went on, however, he grew more comfortable with the therapists and other patients, and he began to talk more openly and honestly about himself and about his problem with alcohol.

After a few weeks Arthur came to like and trust Keith, the therapist he met twice a week for individual therapy. He started to tell Keith all about his relationship with Merlin, how he cheated on Merlin and had sex with Sophia, and how he was filled with remorse for hurting Merlin. Arthur and Keith started to explore and consider what might have led to Arthur’s infidelity.

Arthur admitted to Keith that he had started abusing alcohol months before he had sex with Sophia. He said that he went to a bar one evening after work, had a couple of drinks and was feeling a buzz. He ran into Sophia, an ex-girlfriend, at the bar. Arthur had a few more drinks with her and was pretty wasted when he went home with her. After they had sex, Arthur left for home, where he told Merlin that there had been an after-work party and he had a little too much to drink.

Arthur also told Keith that he had applied for a promotion that he really wanted, and a few weeks before he had sex with Sophia, he learned that a co-worker with less seniority got the job. At the time he acted like it was no big deal, but he actually felt devastated. His self-esteem and self-confidence had taken a big hit, but he didn’t want people to feel sorry for him, and he especially did not want Merlin to feel sorry for him.

Keith encouraged Arthur to think about why he didn’t want anyone, especially Merlin, to feel bad for him. Arthur gave this some thought and came to realize that he experienced other people's sympathy as pity. When Merlin expressed sympathy towards him, he felt like a loser and felt inferior to Merlin. He admitted that, even though he was proud of Merlin’s successes, he sometimes felt jealous of him. Arthur told Keith that Merlin’s career continued to advance, while Arthur’s seemed to have come to a standstill, especially when he didn’t get the promotion.

Arthur confessed to Keith that he sometimes felt angry at Merlin for flirting with their friend Gwaine. Arthur suspected that Gwaine had a crush on Merlin and observed that their conversation was often peppered with sexual joking and innuendo. Arthur never told Merlin that the flirtation with Gwaine bothered him because he didn’t want to come across as needy and jealous. But he admitted to Keith that it made him feel insecure in his relationship with Merlin, and at times he wondered whether Merlin had ever had sex with Gwaine.

Arthur’s individual therapy also focused on changing his pattern of abusing alcohol to deal with painful emotions and managing his intense guilt about causing Merlin emotional distress. Keith explained that it is possible for a couple to rebuild trust after infidelity, and this is more likely to happen when both people work on the issues which contributed to the infidelity.

*****

While Arthur was engaged in CD treatment, Merlin was adjusting to being back in their New York apartment. It felt strange being there without Arthur. He gave himself a week off after returning from China to recover from jet lag and re-acclimate to life in New York City before starting to look for a new job. Merlin figured it wouldn’t be too difficult for him to find satisfying employment. His resume was impressive, and he had an extensive professional network. He had a degree in Management Information Systems and had several years of work experience as a systems analyst for a Fortune 500 company.

Merlin emailed his professional contacts, letting them know he was job hunting and attaching his updated resume. His good friend Lance, who worked for the Omnicom Group, came through. He arranged for Merlin to meet with a hiring manager in the digital marketing department. Over the next two weeks Merlin had three interviews at Omnicom and nailed them all. The day after his last interview, the hiring manager called him with a generous job offer. Merlin agreed to start his new job the following Monday. He was excited to get back to work.

Merlin’s first week at Omnicom went very well. He had a good feeling about his boss and the other members of the digital marketing team, who gave him a warm welcome. His work was stimulating, and his co-workers were friendly. He liked going to lunch with his colleagues and taking coffee breaks with Lance.

Merlin had not forgotten his promise to Arthur to work on getting over his hurt feelings about Arthur’s infidelity. He knew that they would need to do some couples therapy to heal and rebuild trust, but he also realized that he needed some individual therapy to address his hurt and anger. Merlin obtained a few therapist referrals from Lance’s girlfriend, Gwen, who worked in the mental health field. After reviewing the websites of the therapists Gwen had recommended, he scheduled an intake appointment with a therapist named Karlton Hamill.

On Wednesday evening Merlin went to his intake appointment with Karlton, who turned out to be a tall, thin, handsome blonde man in his mid-30s. Merlin liked Karlton right away and found him easy to talk to. Merlin explained his situation in detail, describing his relationship with Arthur, his discovery of Arthur’s infidelity, and everything that happened afterwards. Merlin became tearful when he described his feelings of hurt and anger, as well as his intense worry about Arthur’s nearly fatal overdose. He told Karlton that he still loved Arthur and didn’t want the relationship to be over, but he wasn’t confident that their relationship would survive.

Merlin liked how Karlton responded to his story—the therapist was empathic and supportive, but in an empowering way. He asked Merlin some thought-provoking questions that Merlin couldn’t answer right away. One question was “What do you want Arthur to know and understand about what you have gone through since discovering his infidelity?” Another question was “What do you think will help to heal the hurt and anger?” Yet another question was “What do you need to trust Arthur again?” Karlton suggested that Merlin reflect on these questions and perhaps do some journaling about them before their next session, scheduled in one week.

The next evening after work, Merlin was in the living room working on his therapy “homework” when he heard a knock at the door. When he opened the door, his whole body tensed, his breath caught, and his heart rate skyrocketed. He looked at Sophia, wide-eyed. She was all dolled up, wearing a sexy, low-cut black mini dress under a sleek black trench coat that was open, revealing her cleavage and shapely legs. Her makeup was impeccable, and Merlin suspected that she had dressed up with the aim of seducing Arthur. It took him a while to find his voice. “Sophia, this is a surprise.”

She didn’t smile at Merlin. “Hi, is Arthur home?”

Merlin wouldn't tell her that Arthur was at a CD treatment center. He didn’t consider that a shameful secret by any means, but only Arthur had the right to share that information with others. “No, Arthur’s not here. He’ll be out of town for the next few weeks,” he said.

“I’ve been trying to reach him for the past few weeks. I texted, left voicemails, and emailed, but he hasn’t responded. Where did he go?”

“I’m not really sure where he is now,” Merlin lied. “He took a road trip to visit friends in different places.”

“Weird that he hasn’t responded to me.”

Merlin wanted to say, “Fuck you, bitch. Stay away from my partner.” Instead, he told another lie. “Sometimes he likes to be off the grid.” He was struggling to keep his anger from exploding. He needed to get away from Sophia. “I’m in the middle of something right now, so I can’t talk anymore,” he managed. “Next time I hear from Arthur, I’ll tell him you stopped by.” He gave Sophia a curt nod and closed the door.


	2. Therapy and Recovery

On weekends Merlin would travel to the treatment center to spend time with Arthur during visiting hours. Initially their interaction felt stiff and awkward, with Arthur contributing little to the conversation. But gradually Arthur started to share some of his thoughts and feelings and talk about how treatment was going. Although Merlin still felt hurt and angry, he was pleased that Arthur now smiled occasionally and expressed interest in Merlin’s life. Arthur asked how Merlin liked his new job, whether he had seen any of their friends recently, and how things were going for him overall. Neither man was quite ready to address the elephant in the room—Arthur’s infidelity. 

The Saturday after Merlin’s second week at Omnicom, Arthur asked him to come to his next therapy session with Keith. They scheduled a late afternoon appointment for the following Tuesday, and Merlin arranged with his boss to leave work early that day and make up the time later in the week. 

On a bright, crisp November day, Merlin drove to the treatment center to meet with Arthur and Keith. When Merlin arrived, Arthur greeted him with a kiss on the cheek. Keith shook his hand and thanked him for coming. Keith explained that it was common practice at the center for a family member to come to one or more conjoint sessions. He said that his goal was to facilitate a productive conversation between Arthur and Merlin about Arthur’s chemical use, his treatment, and what would contribute to his recovery and sobriety. Keith told Merlin that, even though he was Arthur’s therapist, at this meeting his intention was to be supportive to both partners. Merlin thanked Keith for his explanation and for the sentiments he expressed.

Keith then said, “I know that Arthur has some things he wants to say to you, Merlin, so let’s start there. Arthur?”

Arthur was obviously nervous, but he steeled himself and started to speak. “First, I want to say how sorry I am for hurting you, Merlin. It tears me up inside, knowing that I caused you pain. And I don’t know how to fix that. I don’t know if I can fix that.”

Merlin’s eyes brimmed with tears, and a single tear streamed down the right side of his face.

Arthur’s heart ached, seeing Merlin’s tears, but he tamped down his emotional pain and continued. “I’m not excusing what I did,” and then he forced himself to name it, “having sex with Sophia, but therapy has helped me understand better what led up to it.”

Merlin looked at Arthur expectantly. Arthur took a deep breath. “I want you to understand that I’m not making excuses for myself. I accept responsibility for my bad choices. But it’s important to me that you hear what I have come to understand about those bad choices.”

Merlin nodded, and Arthur continued. “I started drinking way too much in July after I was passed over for that promotion. That was a devastating blow for me. I felt like a complete failure.” 

Merlin’s eyes widened in shock. “You told me it was no big deal. You said you didn’t expect to get that job, and that you were actually relieved you didn’t get it. I remember you saying that it was a thankless job and you had dodged a bullet.”

“I lied. I really wanted the job, but I pretended that I didn’t care. And I numbed my pain with alcohol.”

Merlin tried to remember what their life had been like since July. “How did I not notice that you were drinking too much?”

“I was good at hiding it,” Arthur said. “And you had a lot going on. You were busy with work, and then Hunith got sick and you were worried about her. I drank on the sly, tried to act sober, and did my best to mask the smell of alcohol on my breath.” 

Merlin frowned. “I still can’t believe that I was so oblivious. And why did you pretend to be happy about not getting the promotion? You know you can tell me anything, Arthur. I’ll always support you, no matter what.”

Arthur sighed. “I have this need to be in control. It’s always hard for me to admit to failure, to acknowledge any kind of pain or weakness. That’s my dad’s influence, I think.”

Merlin nodded. “I guess I’ve always known that about you. Needing to be strong and in control.”

“But I was falling apart,” Arthur admitted. “When I didn’t get that promotion, I felt like such a loser, a failure, an impostor. And I was jealous of you.”

“Jealous of me? Why, for God’s sake?”

“Because your career was taking off. You kept moving up at Publicis New York, and you were earning more money than me. To be honest, I was competing with you. I’m not proud of that.”

“Arthur, you have contributed to my success in so many ways. I work hard because I’m trying to be the partner you deserve. I have my career because of your love and encouragement through the years. Besides, you are better than me at so many things. You are stronger, smarter, more athletic, and more handsome than me. There’s no reason for you to be jealous of me. If anything, I should be jealous of you.”

Arthur smiled for the first time since the session began. “Well, maybe I’m more athletic and physically stronger. But definitely neither smarter nor more handsome.” 

Merlin shook his head. “I disagree. You're wickedly smart and so handsome that people turn and stare at you. You know they do.”

“Whatever,” Arthur said. “But there’s one more thing I need to tell you.”

Merlin looked at Arthur expectantly. “Okay, tell me.”

“I feel threatened by your relationship with Gwaine.” 

Merlin was shocked. “Really? Why?”

“He has a huge crush on you, and you don’t discourage him when he flirts with you. You flirt back with him and, to be honest, I don’t like it.”

“Arthur, you know Gwaine is a huge player and he’s not serious when he says those things to me. He knows that I’m yours and he doesn’t have a chance in hell.”

“You don’t see the way he looks at you,” Arthur said. “I think he’s in love with you.”

Merlin shook his head. “I doubt it. But I will tell him to stop flirting with me, and I won’t flirt back. I want to assure you that I have no interest in Gwaine and was just having a bit of fun. It’s important to me that you understand you have nothing to worry about.”

“Thank you.”

At that point Keith chimed in. “Merlin, what are your thoughts and feelings about what Arthur has told you so far?”

Merlin reflected for a moment before responding. “Surprised, maybe shocked is more accurate. I had no clue about any of it. I didn’t know that Arthur started overdrinking in July. I didn’t know how he felt about not getting the promotion, or that he was jealous of me, or that he felt threatened by how Gwaine and I flirt. And I feel guilty about being so oblivious. I guess I feel like I failed Arthur as a partner. I should have known. At least some of it.”

Arthur reached over and took Merlin’s hands in his own. “You didn’t fail me, Merlin. You can’t read my mind. I should have been honest with you. I kept things from you. I’m sorry about that.”

Keith looked at his client and said, “Arthur, do you have anything else you’d like to say to Merlin?”

Arthur nodded. “Just that I am working hard on my recovery, and I think I’m making good progress. I love you, Merlin, and I’m grateful for your support.” 

Merlin teared up. “How can I support your sobriety? Not just now, but after you finish treatment.”

“I don’t want you to have to stop drinking just because I have a problem,” Arthur replied. “But maybe it’ll help if we don’t have any alcohol at home.”

“Not a problem at all. I rarely drink at home. Mostly when we go out to restaurants and bars. So, we can also stop going out to bars, and not order drinks when we go out to eat together. What else will help?”

“I’m going to work on being honest and telling you how I really feel, not hide things from you. I also want you to be honest with me, tell me if I’m screwing up. Let me know when you’re feeling down or angry or hurt about anything. I want us to be there for each other.” 

Merlin nodded. “Sounds great to me. We’ve talked about alcohol, but are you concerned about opioid medication?”

“No, I’m not hooked on opioids. After you left, I was drunk all the time. One day I had this godawful headache, and so I took too much Percocet that I had left over from my dental procedure. I didn’t realize how dangerous it was to mix alcohol and opioids. I’m glad Morgana found me when she did.”

Merlin took a deep breath. “Thank God she found you in time.” 

Turning towards Merlin, Keith asked, “Anything you’d like Arthur to know, Merlin?” 

Merlin looked at the man he had loved since high school. “Arthur, I told you that I started my own therapy. I’m working on the hurt and anger I have felt about your affair with Sophia. To be honest, I’m still hurt and angry, but less so than before. I’m not saying this to make you feel guilty. Just to let you know where I am emotionally.” 

Arthur nodded. “Just so you know, it wasn’t an affair. We had sex once when we were both drunk.”

“Okay, but that doesn't diminish the hurt I feel. I guess I’m feeling pretty insecure. I don’t know whether I’m enough for you anymore. I thought I was until your affair--I mean your tryst with Sophia. I knew before we became partners that you’re bi and that you had girlfriends before, so now I can’t help thinking that you miss having sex with women and that our relationship will have to end. If so, I’ll be devastated, but I’ll survive. I can’t handle an open relationship. I need a partner who’s faithful and committed to me, so if you can’t be that person, then we’ll have to break up. But no matter what, I’ll always love you. I realized that when I learned that you almost died. I was so scared of losing you. I want you in my life, if not as a partner, then as a friend.”

Tears were streaming down Arthur’s face. “I don’t want anyone but you, Merlin. You’re everything to me. I'm lost without you. I wish I could prove that to you. I fucked up and lost your trust, but I’ll do whatever I can to earn it back.”

Merlin looked down at the floor and closed his eyes for a moment. Then he looked back up at Arthur and said, “We may have to do some couples counseling after you finish treatment. And I have one demand if our relationship is to heal. You have to tell Sophia, and anyone else you may have slept with since we became partners, that it’s over and to never contact you again. That’s important to me. Sophia came by the apartment last week looking for you, and that was very painful for me. She invaded my space, our space, in more ways than one.”

Arthur’s head drooped towards his chest. “I’m sorry. And there was nobody else. Just Sophia and just the one time. And I will tell her it’s over and to stop contacting me.”

Keith looked at Merlin and said, “You sounded pretty angry, Merlin.”

Merlin nodded and spoke directly to Arthur. “Yes, I won’t deny that. I’m still angry about Sophia, and I was livid when she came by looking for you. It took everything I had to be civil, not to scream at her. And yes, I’m angry at you for fucking her. But that’s my shit, and I have to deal with it, I am dealing with it. I’m not giving up on us, but I need to know that our relationship is enough, that I am enough for you.”

“You are, Merlin. I love you. I am in love with you. I never stopped loving you.”

“I love you too, Arthur. I have been in love with you since high school.”

“We’ll get through this, sweetheart, and we’ll be stronger afterwards. I promise.”

“I promise to support your sobriety, to work on my own issues and on our relationship.”

Keith then said, “I think this is a good note to end the session on. You both can feel very proud of the hard work you did today. I didn’t have to intervene at all, which indicates how well you communicated. What I saw was you two having an open, honest conversation about difficult topics, while being kind and respectful towards each other. In my opinion, things are looking very hopeful for your relationship. Couples counseling after Arthur finishes treatment will help you to stay on track. I expect that Arthur will be released from treatment in a week or so. Before he leaves the center, we’ll develop an aftercare plan for him.”

Arthur stood up and said, “Merlin, I’d like a hug, please.” Merlin stood up and the two men hugged each other tightly. “I love you so much,” Arthur said. “I love you back,” Merlin replied.

*****

True to his word, Arthur texted Sophia right away, stating that their sexual encounter was a huge drunken mistake which he regretted. He also wrote that he was sorry if she inferred that he was open to renewing their relationship and asked her not to contact him or stop by his and Merlin’s apartment again. Sophia’s text response was a terse “Go fuck yourself.”

A week after the conjoint session, Arthur’s inpatient treatment concluded, and he was released from the treatment center. Merlin picked him up in the BMW and drove back to Tribeca. When Arthur entered their apartment after his long absence, he was greeted by a beautiful bouquet of flowers and a big banner that read, “Welcome Home, Arthur!” Merlin intentionally chose purple tulips, knowing that purple flowers symbolize dignity, pride, and success. Arthur pulled Merlin into a tight embrace, kissed him, and whispered “Thank you. I’m so happy to be back home with you.”

During the next few weeks, Arthur and Merlin had to adjust to living together again. Merlin wasn’t emotionally ready to resume sexual relations with Arthur, as he still harbored feelings of hurt and anger. Merlin told Arthur that he wasn’t trying to punish him—he just didn’t feel ready to have sex. Arthur said he understood, but he also admitted that he felt hurt, and worried that their relationship might never recover from his infidelity. That motivated Merlin to schedule a couples therapy appointment with Virginia Bennet, the therapist recommended by Keith.

Both Arthur and Merlin felt comfortable with Virginia right away. She explained that their emotions—Arthur’s feelings of guilt and Merlin’s feelings of hurt and anger—were normal after one partner has cheated. She also told them that it was normal for Merlin to feel unready to resume their sex life and made suggestions about how comfort and trust could gradually be restored. Virginia encouraged them to proceed slowly, starting off with non-sexual touch, like hugs, cuddling, and massage. She encouraged Arthur to be patient with Merlin and to let Merlin take the lead. Merlin agreed to make an effort to initiate physical contact with Arthur and to let Arthur know what kinds of intimacy he was open to. 

Merlin continued to see his individual therapist Karlton, who helped him to get in touch with his fear of being abandoned by Arthur. With Karlton’s help, Merlin was able to manage that fear. He also found that his hurt and anger started to diminish gradually, as he came to a deeper understanding of the factors contributing to Arthur’s infidelity—alcohol abuse, feeling like a failure, feeling threatened by the flirtation between Gwaine and Merlin. It helped for Merlin to realize that Arthur’s infidelity wasn’t a rejection of Merlin—Arthur had never stopped loving him, had never stopped wanting him emotionally or sexually. 

Arthur was deeply committed to his recovery and making things right with Merlin. He attended regular AA meetings and began making sober friends. He updated his resume and started job hunting. Merlin noticed that Arthur was making a huge effort not only to be honest and direct, but also to show Merlin how much he cared. Merlin was touched by this and did his best to express love and affection to Arthur.

Over the next few weeks, the couple’s physical intimacy increased little by little. At first, they would just cuddle on the couch while watching a TV show or Netflix movie. Eventually Merlin asked Arthur to massage his neck and back after a hard day at work, and he would return the favor. One Tuesday night when they lay in their king-sized bed, Merlin pulled Arthur towards him, pressed their lips together, and began exploring Arthur’s mouth with his tongue. They French kissed for a half hour before going to sleep. After that night, Merlin would greet Arthur with a passionate kiss as soon as he got home from work, which would inevitably result in a lengthy make-out session. 

One Saturday morning, Merlin woke up before Arthur and gazed fondly at his handsome partner sleeping beside him. The intense love he felt for Arthur welled up inside him, and he teared up as he recalled how in October he almost lost his best friend, his lover. Merlin thought about how incredibly lucky he was that Arthur, a stunningly handsome, intelligent, strong, kind, and accomplished man, loved him so much.

As Merlin was lying there, contemplating his good fortune, Arthur woke up and opened his eyes. Arthur smiled when he saw Merlin looking at him. “Good morning, love.”

“Good morning. Did you sleep well?”

“Yes, I feel very well rested.”

Merlin smiled. “That’s good. Can I make love to you?”

Arthur’s eyes widened. “Really?”

Merlin nodded. “I want you, Arthur. Please.”

“I have morning breath.”

“Me too. I don’t care. Do you?”

Arthur responded by pulling Merlin close and kissing him forcefully. He coaxed Merlin’s lips open with his tongue and ran his fingers through his lover’s luxuriant dark curls. Breaking from the kiss, Arthur straddled Merlin and began to worship his long, wiry body with his lips and tongue, pausing only to whisper, “You are so fucking beautiful.” Merlin was hard as hickory when Arthur pulled down his boxers and went down on his throbbing cock, first teasing with his tongue and then deep throating as much as he could of Merlin’s length. Breathing hard, Merlin gasped, “I need you, Arthur. Please.”

From years of making love to Merlin, Arthur knew exactly what his lover wanted. Coming up for air, he proceeded to lie on his back. In a fluid motion Merlin slid on top of Arthur pressing his erection against Arthur’s. “Mark me, Merlin, claim me. Make me yours. I belong to you, only you,” Arthur whispered. Merlin smiled and brought his mouth to Arthur’s neck. Feeling his lover’s stubble against his lips, Merlin kissed, sucked and nipped Arthur’s neck, leaving a trail of red love bites. 

He then proceeded to travel down the length of Arthur’s muscular and toned body, laying claim to his lover with hands, lips, and tongue. Merlin carded his fingers tenderly through Arthur’s golden chest hair, and then, like a lithe feline marking his territory, he ran his mouth down the length of the stunning blonde’s broad chest and six-pack abs. Sliding down further, Merlin straddled Arthur’s knees and his mouth engulfed his lover’s rigid cock, taking it deep into his throat. Arthur was breathing heavily, and his heart was pounding when he gasped, “Fuck me, Merlin. Fuck me now. Please.”

Merlin smiled. He prepared Arthur, lubricating his aperture and using his fingers to get him loose and relaxed. Arthur grew impatient. “Fuck me now, Merlin. I don’t care if it hurts. I can handle the pain. I just want you.” 

Merlin growled. “I'll give you whatever you want, babe. You’re mine, only mine. And I belong to you.” Lifting Arthur’s legs, he pressed the head of his cock against Arthur’s entrance and pushed in slowly. 

Arthur looked into Merlin’s penetrating blue eyes. “Give it all to me. Don’t hold back.”

Merlin pushed all the way in then and began thrusting rhythmically. Balancing with his left arm, he grabbed Arthur’s cock in his right hand, the residual lube letting him slide his fist up and down the length of Arthur’s rock hard member with ease. As he bucked into Arthur, Merlin kept pumping his lover’s long, stiff cock vigorously until Arthur cried out, “Merlin, I’m gonna come!” 

“Come for me, babe!” Merlin shouted back. Arthur shot his load, streams of hot jizz exploding onto his chest and abs. As Arthur climaxed, Merlin felt his lover’s muscles contract around his cock and seconds later he came, spilling his load deep within the man he loved. 

After catching his breath, Merlin lay next to Arthur and, looking deep into his lover’s azure eyes, kissed him gently on the lips. “That was so hot,” Arthur whispered. 

“Yeah, it was.”

“I’m yours, Merlin. Completely, unreservedly, only yours.”

“We belong to each other, babe.”

“Forever,” Arthur said softly.

Merlin smiled and nodded. “Forever.”


End file.
